MISUNDERSTANDINGS ABOUT ADOPTION

"Whenever I started to think about adoption for my baby, I would try to put it out of my mind. I don't know why. I really didn't know much about adoption or how it worked, but something about adoption didn't seem right. It scared me." -Maria, age 16

Try to keep an open mind as you consider adoption. Recognize myths about adoption that alter the way you think about it. You can replace these myths with correct information, Whether you choose to parent or make an adoption plan, you must be sure that you have made a reasonable decision.

 

Misunderstanding #1: Birth parents who care about their child would never consider adoption.

 

"When I was leaving the hospital, I honestly would have traded everything that I ever had just to keep him. What kept me going was the thought that I was doing this for him and that it was the best for him." -Marilyn, age 22

 

 

You may think that if you consider adoption for your child, you are a cold, uncaring, and selfish person. Maybe you're afraid others will think you don't love your child, and you think, "I'm unloving; I'm no good." If you're feeling this way, consider the following:

 

• Birth parents who make adoption plans are really loving, caring people.

Your social worker can arrange for you to speak with birth parents who have already placed a child for adoption. You will soon see how much they love their child.

 

Ask yourself- "Where did I get the idea that I do not love my child if I make an adoption plan?"

This message may have come from parents, friends, television, or other media. Many people are uneducated about adoption and do not understand it as a loving option.

 

Next, ask yourself: "Is my source of information reliable?"

Chances are your source has misunderstandings about adoption.

 

Finally, ask yourself. "How important is it to me that my information source approves of my actions.

 

If your information came from the media or an acquaintance, you may choose to ignore their opinion. If someone close to you believes you are unloving for considering adoption, it will be more difficult to choose adoption. You may want to include that person in your counseling. Surround yourself with people who respect you for considering adoption.

 

Recognize your feelings of love and concern for your unborn child while you consider adoption.

 

• Allowing your child to be born, rather than choosing abortion, is a loving decision.

 

• When you eat nutritiously, receive regular prenatal care, refrain from smoking, drinking, or using illegal drugs, it shows you love your child and want to give your child a good start in life.

 

• When you talk to your unborn child and share your hopes and plans for him or her, you care for your child.

 

• These acts of protecting, nourishing, and nurturing your unborn child indicate you love your child just as much as someone who might choose to parent.

 

• Misunderstanding #2: A birth parent will never know anything about her child and his or her adoptive parents in the following years.

"My friend's sister placed her baby for adoption years ago and never even knew if she had a boy or girl. I couldn't stand that after nine months of carrying this baby." -Tina, age 20

 

You may be thinking that you will never know anything about your child's future life. If you choose adoption today, sharing information is very common. As the birth parent you can help to develop an adoption plan that has the degree of openness you want. Some options for openness you may wish to consider include the following:

 

• Selecting your child's adoptive family from pictures/profiles of families awaiting adoption

• Meeting the adoptive family

• Receiving information about your child's adoptive parents

• Spending time with your child after birth

• Giving a gift and writing a letter to your child and/or to the adoptive family

• Receiving pictures and reports of your child and sending pictures and letters to your child on a regular basis after placement

• Having continued visits with your child and the adoptive parents either in a neutral setting or in their home

Many birth parents are delighted to learn that they can participate in planning their child's adoption. This active involvement in planning can make adoption a very positive event for you and take away some of your concerns.

Misunderstanding #3: Adoption is an irresponsible solution to an unplanned pregnancy.

"People told me that, since I was the one who got pregnant, why should someone else be stuck with my mistake? Part of me thought they were right. But another part of me wondered why my baby should be the one to suffer by having a mother like me who knows nothing about children." -Debbie, age 18

 

Perhaps you're ruling out adoption because you think you would be irresponsible if you made that choice. You may feel that you must parent as your punishment for being sexually active or for becoming pregnant, and so it is your duty to parent.

 

If this is how you feel, try answering these questions:

 

• What makes my behavior irresponsible? Is choosing not to parent irresponsible? Was my sexual activity, regardless of whether or not I got pregnant, irresponsible behavior?

   

This question helps you identify the reason for often unclear or vague feelings. Some birth parents find that feeling irresponsible is related to being sexually active before marriage or not using contraceptives or not choosing to parent. Your answer will depend very much on your value system. You may, however, discover that what makes you feel irresponsible is connected to other factors in your life.

 

 

What is irresponsible behavior now that I am pregnant?

 

Is parenting a responsible choice when it will be hard for you to place the needs of your child before your own? Is it responsible to parent your child if you have no money, no one to help you, and no skills to get a good job? Is parenting a responsible decision when you still have a lot of growing up to do yourself?

Remember that just because you got pregnant does not mean you will be a good parent. If you aren't able to be a good parent at this time, you still may be a wonderful parent when you are older.

 

Now that you are pregnant, what should you be responsible for?

You need to plan for your child's future. Know all your options and the consequences of each choice. Make a plan that will be in your child's best interests. Decisions made impulsively or based only on feelings are not responsible.

Maybe you really feel you should parent to punish yourself for what you did. If so, consider this: eighteen years of parenting when you are not ready is too severe a punishment. Many birth parents who choose to parent feel they have paid enough after a year or two. The child often pays too, in emotional pain.

Think about forgiveness. If you're a Christian, remember that God forgives and wants you to live your life as a joyful, forgiven person. God does not sentence you to a life of parenting when you are not ready. He will prepare another way that will be healthy and positive for both you and your baby.

 

Misunderstanding #4: A birth parent will eventually forget about the child she/he relinquished for adoption.

"I knew some girls who made adoption plans, but I never heard them talk about their children. It's like they forgot about them. But when I got pregnant, I knew I could never forget my child. That's why I didn't think I should make an adoption plan. I was surprised when my social worker told me she would never expect me to forget my child." -Jessica, age 18

If you believe you must forget about your child when you choose adoption, your decision will be very hard to live with.

Years ago, many birth parents were expected to forget their children and go on as if nothing ever happened. Many of them suffered in silence. For them, adoption became a painful and lonely experience.

If you make an adoption plan for your child, you will never forget and will never want to forget your child. What you will want is to continue with your life without being emotionally crippled by your loss. You will want to remember your pregnancy, your baby's birth, and those precious hours or days shared with your child in the hospital. When you remember, you'll want to feel that you made the most loving, mature, and selfless decision possible, given your circumstances.

 

For you to remember your child in this positive way, work with an adoption agency that provides post-placement services. Ask the agency social worker these questions:

• What can I expect from you after my child is placed in an adoptive home?

• If I need someone to talk to after my child is placed in an adoptive home, can I come here?

• Is there a fee for any post-placement services?

If you sense that the adoption agency is only interested in placing your child for adoption and not concerned about your needs, find another agency to work with.

 

For you to remember your child in a positive way, give yourself time to grieve. There are some things about grief that you should know:

 

1. You will have conflicting feelings after your child is born. Some birth parents who have looked forward to the end of their pregnancy are surprised when tears come at the thought of saying goodbye to their child. They wonder if adoption was the wrong decision after all. Remember, because you love your child, you will hurt when you say goodbye. These feelings are normal. They will lessen over time, and you will be happy again.

    

2. You should know about postpartum depression, the "baby blues." Many women feel depressed because of normal hormonal changes that take place after delivery. Postpartum depression may be more intense if you are making an adoption plan. It may be hard to sort out which feelings are part of postpartum depression and which come from your grief. Your doctor can tell you more about postpartum depression. Be sure to let your doctor know if you are making an adoption plan for your child.

    

3. Tell other people how you are feeling and what you need. Those who try hard to please others, cover up their true feelings for fear of bothering those close to them. This is harmful in the long run. Talk about your child if you want to, rather than trying to forget you had a child.

    

4. Spend time with your baby in the hospital if you want to. Some people think that if you're placing your child for adoption, you should not see him or her. This isn't good advice. For many birth parents seeing their child is extremely important and special. It's hard to say goodbye to your child if you've never really met him or her. It may help to have a supportive person with you as you spend time with your child. If you don't want to see your child, however, this wish will be respected. Either way, ask your social worker to take photographs of your child because you may someday want to know what he or she looked like.

5. Take your time making decisions. Your body is going through many changes which will affect the way you feel. You may feel like you don't even know yourself. The reality of carrying a child may not even sink in until you give birth.

 

Now that you face finalizing one of the biggest decisions of your life, give yourself all the time you need. Don't sign relinquishment papers until you're sure you are ready. On the other hand, don't decide suddenly to take your baby home with you.

Your agency can provide interim care for your baby while you decide whether or not your earlier plan is still the best for both of you.

 

Misunderstanding #5: All adopted children will grow up to have serious psychological problems.

 

"There is this guy in my class who has had all kinds of problems. He's heavy into drugs and alcohol. He's run away a couple of times. I don't think he gets along real well with his parents. When I found out he was adopted I figured that was why he had all these problems." -Mark, age 17

 

Perhaps you have heard that adopted children grow up to have serious problems with drugs, alcohol, personal relationships, and mental illness.

Recent research does not support this misunderstanding. Studies show:

 

• Adopted and non-adopted children are not different in adjustment, delinquency, or mental health.

• Adopted teenagers are as emotionally stable as non-adopted teenagers.

• Adopted individuals do not have more family problems than non-adopted people.

You may know people who are adopted and who have had problems. It is important, however, not to blame adoption for all the problems someone may have. If your friend is not getting along with her adoptive parents, it may be for other reasons.

It's true that adoption has caused problems for some families. When adoptive parents are unwilling or unable to discuss adoption issues with their children, children can suffer. Some adoptive parents may not have dealt with the pain of their own infertility. But adoptive parents who are comfortable sharing information about adoption and who accept their child's feelings will most likely have well-adjusted children.

Make certain your child is placed with an adoptive family that will be open and honest about adoption. You can help choose a good home for your child by working with a professional adoption agency. Good adoption agencies will do a family assessment with all potential families. The social worker will determine whether they will be good parents based on many factors. In open adoptions these family profiles will be shared with you. Birth parents may choose their adoptive family from these profiles.

A good adoption agency will do a very thorough family assessment. In addition, a good agency provides:

• accurate and detailed background information about the birth parent which is shared with adoptive parents and which is essential for the child as he or she grows up.

• post-placement services that will provide education and support to adoptive parents and adopted individuals, as needed, through the years.

When children are placed with adoptive families who are knowledgeable and sensitive and when the agency continues to support them, the risk of psychological problems is no greater for adopted children than for biological children.

Misunderstanding #6: Birth parents will have serious emotional problems if they relinquish their child.

"I didn't want to think about adoption because I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. Not ever knowing anything about my baby or where he went would make me crazy." -Shantal, age 16

Some birth mothers are afraid that if they make an adoption plan they will go crazy or never be happy again. When you recognize such fear is caused by a misunderstanding about adoption, you don't have to worry anymore. Your grief over the loss of your child can be painful. However, the ability to grieve is a sign of mental health. Never mistake grief for mental instability. There may be more reasons to be concerned about the mental health of teenagers who parent. Depression, stress, relationship problems, educational difficulties, and lost opportunities cause many teenage mothers to feel trapped and desperate.

 

Misunderstanding #7: A child doesn't really need a father.

"I know a lot of kids who do just fine with a single parent. I'm sure I could manage on my own if I have to. When I look around and see families splitting up and the pain it causes, I think maybe kids are better off never having had a live-in dad. Who guarantees adoptive parents won't divorce?" -Angie, age 19

All children, boys and girls, are better off with a positive male role model. Two-parent families, where fathers take their responsibilities seriously and parents support each other, are important for a healthy childhood. Some studies even show that both daughters and sons will achieve more in life when they grow up with a father who is actively involved with them.

 

Private adoption agencies make sure that a child will be placed in a stable, non-abusive home where parents are committed to always look after the best interests of their children. Adoptive family assessments are done thoroughly, and families that do not meet the high standards are turned down. Most adoptive parents are older and have been in their marriage for many years. They have the maturity and resources to be good moms and dads.

 

Misunderstanding #8: No one can love a child as much as the birth mother can.

"I always thought that if I chose adoption for my baby, she wouldn't be loved as much as if I kept her." -Sara, age 19

Adoptive parents can love their child as fully and selflessly as biological parents. Good parenting is a matter of unconditional love and acceptance, consistently nurturing and caring in a way that puts the needs of the child first.

Adoptive parents love their children as much as if they had given birth to them. In addition, they are able to give their children much that a single parent may not be able to provide. They can offer:

 

• The psychological security and stability of a two-parent home. Adoptive parents are able to share responsibilities.

• Financial security.

• Maturity and wisdom that comes with age and life experiences.

• Spiritual direction. Adoptive parents are able to help their children begin to develop a personal relationship with God and teach them spiritual values.

• Plenty of time to spend with their children. Time is one thing few single parents have. Most adoptive parents are finished with their education and are established in careers. They are at a point in their lives where they are truly able to enjoy their children.

Summing Up

 

These eight misunderstandings about adoption are the most common ones birth parents struggle with. Now that you are able to recognize which myths, if any, you have believed, you can replace them with correct information.

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