If you are making an adoption plan or thinking of making one for

your child, your plan should be one that meets all of your needs

and expectations.

Choosing an Adoption Agency

To make a good adoption plan, choose a good adoption agency. Look for one that meets these standards:

 

1. Is licensed according to your state laws.

2. Employs professional, knowledgeable people in the field of adoption. Your social worker should have a Master's degree in social work, psychology, or a related area, or a college degree with social work experience.
3. Counsels birth parents about all their options, including single parenting, marriage, and adoption. If you choose to parent your child, a good adoption agency will refer you to resources to help you with your parenting.
4. Requires thorough and careful screening, education, and an assessment of possible adoptive families before a child is placed in the home.
5. Provides adoptive parents with a complete and accurate social and medical history of birth parents. This information is extremely important to the adopted child as he or she grows and establishes an individual identity.

6. Provides post-placement services to birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted individuals in the years to come. Remember, adoption is a life-long process.

 

Learning From Others

 

"I knew adoption was one of my choices for my child, I didn't know anything about it. Adoption wasn't real to me. I didn't know anyone who was adopted or who had adopted a child." -Valerie, age 20

As you consider or plan adoption for your child, try to spend time with people whose lives have been touched by adoption. These people can give you a real-life look at what adoption is all about.

 

1. LEARN FROM OTHER BIRTH PARENTS.
   Talk with other birth parents who have made an adoption plan for their child. Your counselor can probably arrange this. Ask them:

    

   • How do they feel about their decision to relinquish their child, now that time has passed?

   • What were the particulars of their adoption plan? (For example, how much say did they have in selecting the adoptive family? Did they exchange letters, gifts, and pictures?)

   • What would they do differently, if they had to go through this experience again?

   • What would they recommend to you as you plan an adoption for your child?

   • Why did they make the decision to place their child for adoption?

    

2. LEARN FROM ADOPTIVE PARENTS.
   Spend time with adoptive parents. If possible, observe them as they care for their children. Ask them these questions:

    

   • Why did they chose adoption and how do they feel about the children they adopted?

   • What have been some of their best and some of their worst family experiences?

   • Do they really love their adopted children?

   • How do they feel about their children's birth parents, and how do they explain adoption to their children?

   • What kind of experiences did they have with the adoption agency? Highlights? Disappointments?

    

3. LEARN FROM ADOPTED INDIVIDUALS.
   Be sure to talk with people who have been adopted. Ask them these questions:

    

   • How do they feel about their adoptive family and their birth parents?

   • What's good about being adopted? What don't they like about being adopted?

    

4. LEARN FROM THOSE WHO DECIDED TO PARENT.
   Although they ruled out adoption, they will have valuable information to offer. Ask them these questions:

    

   • Why did they decide to parent their child and how do they feel about it now?

   • What have been some of their best experiences as a parent?

   • What have been their biggest difficulties?

   • What would they do differently, knowing what they know now?

    

Your Own Family

"I was certain that I wanted to place my baby in an adoptive home. But when I told my parents, they had lots of questions and concerns. After all, my baby was their first grandchild." -Jenny, age 18

To make a good adoption plan, try to include family members in your counseling, especially if you still live at home or have strong ties to your family.

Although your parents have no legal rights to your child, they are concerned about you. They will want to know what all your options are. If you are planning adoption and they oppose it, it will be difficult for you to follow through with your plan. In the same way, if you are planning to parent your child and they do not approve, you will also have a difficult time.

Your family cannot decide your child's future. But you must know how your parents think and feel and how much support they will offer you. It's not responsible to ignore your family in this important decision.

Birth Fathers

You cannot make a good adoption plan without considering the child's birth father. You need to think about two important things.

 

1. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE BIRTH FATHER

   Some birth mothers find it difficult to talk about their relationship with the birth father. They feel anger, bitterness, embarrassment, shame, and rejection when they think about him.

    

   Even though these feelings can be painful, talk about them with your social worker. Otherwise, you may not make the best possible plan for your baby. Instead you may use the baby to manipulate, control, or get back at the birth father.

    

2.  THE BIRTH FATHER'S LEGAL RIGHTS

   Even if you are no longer involved with the birth father, he has legal rights when it comes to making an adoption plan. In order to have a secure adoption, the birth father must give up his rights to the child. How this is done will vary from state to state, and your social worker will know how to handle this. If you do not know who the father is or where he is, there is a legal procedure to deal with this.

    

   You may have negative feelings about your child's birth father. However, you should not let these feelings interfere with the legal process of terminating his rights. If the law is not followed, it is possible that the birth father could disrupt the adoption plan that you made. He could gain custody of the child, against your wishes. For the best interests of your child, follow the laws in your state regarding the termination of parental rights. Your social worker will assist you with the best legal information.

    

   "I thought that if I parented my child, my boyfriend would feel really guilty and decide to marry me. Even if he didn't love me, I thought he would feel a responsibility to his son. I was wrong. He hasn't been around since before the baby was born. I'm all alone." -Danielle, age 19   "Neither Brenda or I could give him everything we wanted to give him or everything he deserved. We felt the adoptive parents could give him what he deserved. I hope that as he grows up, he will understand that." -Michael, age 20

   Your social worker can help you deal with your feelings toward the birth father so that they won't interfere with your decision about what's best for you and your child's future. Remember, your child is a separate person, someone for whom you must plan the best possible home.

    

   Be Involved

   "I was so excited to find out that I could help choose my child's adoptive family. I told my social worker the qualities I wanted the adopting parents to have. Then she gave me profiles of several families who had those qualities." -Tim, age 20

   Making a good adoption plan means that you must become involved in adoptive planning. If greater participation will help you feel better about your adoptive plan, find out how much the agency you're working with cares about your wishes. If the agency does not consider your input, and if you do not agree with their way of thinking, find another agency.

   Today, most birth parents choose to meet adoptive parents before the baby is born, even if they decide against continued contact. This gives them peace of mind about the people they are trusting with their child's future. Knowing what kind of family their child will grow up in makes it easier to cope with the grief of saying goodbye.

    

   "We spent a lot of time completing family history, medical, and social forms. We wanted our baby to know as much about us as possible. We wanted him to understand why we chose adoption and to know how much we love him. We left a picture of ourselves in the file too, just in case our child should want it some day." -Jim and Joan, ages 18 and 17

   You may want to develop a file of background information about yourself which, without identifying yourself, is shared with the adoptive family. As your child grows, he or she may have questions about why you made an adoption plan. Your child will also need assurance that you did not abandon him or her. We encourage you to pass along a picture of yourself and write a letter telling why you chose adoption. This will help as your child grows up and wonders what you looked like, what you enjoyed doing, and why you felt he or she should be cared for by adoptive parents. Your child will also need a medical history of the biological family. The information you give to the adoption agency will be extremely important to your child in years to come.

   Letters, Gifts, and Photographs

   "I wrote a letter to my daughter explaining why I placed her for adoption, how much I loved her and how I hoped for her happiness in her new home. I also gave her a baby quilt I had made. The adoptive parents sent a special letter back to me, via the agency. They promised to tell my daughter about my love for her. They told me the quilt was hanging in her nursery. For more than two years, they also sent me pictures of her. When I saw my daughter growing and changing, happy and well-cared for, I knew I had made the best choice." -Gail, age 19

   When you write a letter to your child or your child's adoptive parents, leave a gift for your child, or receive photographs of your child, adoption is confirmed as positive. Writing letters allows you to express your love, and it encourages healing as you grieve the loss of your child.

   Picking out a special gift for your child also affirms your love. It's a way to give something of yourself. Your gift doesn't have to be expensive. It can be something you make, something you own, or that has been in your family and is special to you, or a gift chosen specifically for your child. Your social worker can help you choose an appropriate gift.

   Receiving photographs of a smiling, alert, healthy child gives reassurance that adoption was a good plan. Sometimes the sending of photographs ends after the first year of placement. Most birth parents feel comfortable with this and are ready to move on with their lives. Other birth parents make arrangements to have pictures or updates of the child for a longer period of time.

   If you do not like the idea of writing a letter, reconsider and picture yourself growing up without any idea what motivated your birth parent to make an adoption plan. A child's emotional well being is strengthened when they know for sure they were never abandoned or unloved. Your letter to your child will help you to heal in your grieving process and help your child understand and accept the reason for the adoption.

   Summing Up

   This last section gave you some important things to consider as you think about or plan adoption for your child. There is no right or wrong way to plan your child's adoption. What is best for one person may not be best for you.

   One resource that shows how others came to choose adoption is a video called Letting Go. In that video, twelve birth parents describe their experiences and the emotions they felt from the time they first discovered they were pregnant right through their hospital stay. (Your counselor may have a copy.)

   You are important in the life of your child whether you choose to parent or make an adoption plan. Think through your choices carefully. Should you choose adoption for your child, you will be able to make a loving and responsible plan that meets your own needs and is in your child's best interests. You will be at peace with your decision.

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• Introduction
   
• Explore All Your Options
   
• Misunderstandings About Adoption
   
• Making a Good Adoption Plan
   
• Conclusion